


I’m not what you think I am

by fanfic_originals



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 3 boyfriends too distracted, Body Image, Hurt/Comfort, Image Issues, M/M, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, hinata is crazy, kenma is perceptive, self hate, tsukishima cracks, tsukishima is hurt, tsukishima needs protecting, tsukishima’s mask is broken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24252427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfic_originals/pseuds/fanfic_originals
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Comments: 4
Kudos: 182
Collections: Flaws, One shots, “I cut myself because I’m not pretty”





	I’m not what you think I am

Tsukishima Kei loves all his 3 boyfriends. He is aware that love comes in different forms, is it weird that he is jealous of his boyfriend? “Come, let’s go.” Kuroo says as they all step out of the door. Tsukishima as usual, take his usual space, right behind his 3 boyfriends.

“Are they together? That tall guy is so awkward in this group.“

“They must be blind to be in a relationship with the glasses guy.“

All those words hurt but he just bury them deep into his heart, where it takes root. Tsukishima constantly hides his feelings from his boyfriends. "Kei, come over here." Kuroo grabs his arm and pulls him closer. Kuroo places a kiss on his cheeks. Whether his boyfriend has gotten so much better at reading him, he wouldn't know, maybe his sadness showed on his face. "I'm fine." Tsukishima pushed his glasses up with his fingers out of habit. "Sure baby." Kuroo smiles and grabs Tsukishima's hand.

It doesn't work, those words have accumulated over the years. He had always been tall, other people had always made fun of his height, now people criticise him for his height. Though Kuroo is tall as well, he fit them all so well. Those criticisms he had received is tearing his heart apart. His eyes is filled with tears, but he doesn't let it fall. He knows those words were the truth, even if it is the opposite his boyfriends say. He is so jealous, he is the target of everyone's harsh words.

After a while, Kuroo goes back to the main group. Tsukishima then stuffs his hands into his pocket after bringing his hood up, his eyes were cast down as he let his tears flow slightly. He then brings his hand up to wipe the tears away before continuing to walk behind his boyfriends with a stoic expression. His eyes would wander, looking at his surroundings. "Kei?" Akaashi called out which made Tsukishima turn to look at him. "Yea?" Tsukishima answers, voice void of any emotion. Akaashi looks at him intensely. Tsukishima turns his head away.

"Anything wrong?" Tsukishima asks. Tsukishima is scared that his face still has tear streaks. "We are going to this cafe." Akaashi says. "Okay." Tsukishima hurry towards them, his hood pulled lower to cover his eyes. They walk in together. Tsukishima volunteered to go order food for them, so he did, watching his boyfriends smiling and laughing at Bokuto's antics. He orders the usual they would have at the counter. He refrained from getting his favourite strawberry shortcake and paid. Tsukishima waited for a while for them to place the items on the tray.

Tsukishima started thinking if it was wrong to be this jealous of your boyfriends. "Here you go. Place the number on the table and we will bring the remaining items to you." The cashier with a sweet smile. Tsukishima smiles, "Thank you." He brings the tray to the table and sat at the corner that wasn't taken, next to Akaashi. "You didn't order your favourite?" Bokuto asks as he realise Tsukishima staring out the window with a sad expression. "Tsukki?" Bokuto asks a little louder this time. Tsukishima jumps slightly but turns his head to face Bokuto. "You didn't get your usual?" Bokuto repeats his question. Tsukishima shook his head and turn to look out the window once again.

Tsukishima kept a blank expression this time, making sure the mask on his face never breaks to show his true his emotions. Even when the waitress came to flirt with his boyfriends and made comments, he didn't even blink. "We are not interested." Akaashi said, "We are in a relationship." The waitress left but he could hear, "With him? I would have a better chance." Tsukishima buried it deep into his heart, his face not changing and keeping the usual expression.

They left after finishing. They decided to watch a movie. Tsukishima once again volunteered to buy tickets, He doesn't want to bring any unwanted comments when he stands next to them. He buys 4 tickets. He thinks that if he sits with them in a cinema it wouldn't matter because strangers often sit next to each other. After getting tickets and food, he hands the tickets over to Akaashi as he carried to the food in his hands.

"Are they friends?" Tsukishima could hear the conversation of a group of girls nearby and apparently the rest of them heard as well because Bokuto and Kuroo started kissing each other. Tsukishima wanted to hide. They then proceeds from Akaashi as well. "They are boyfriends? The four of them?" The girls are still whispering. "Really? They could have at least found someone who is more attractive than the glasses guy." It seems that Tsukishima is the only one who heard that. Tsukishima bit on the inside of his mouth. 

"Oh we can enter." Bokuto says excitedly. The four of them presented their tickets to the staff and made their way to the theatre room. Akaashi sat in the middle of Kuroo and Bokuto as Tsukishima sat at the sidelines. Tsukishima waits for the movie to start when a very familiar voice called him. "Tsukishima!" A certain orange head called out to him. They happen to be sitting next to him. Tsukishima kept quiet. "Kenma! Chibi!" Kuroo called out. Tsukishima excuses himself to the washroom. 

Actually Tsukishima just stood outside to calm himself down. This is all too overwhelming for his body that was said to be too big. Kenma walks out and raise his eyebrows at Tsukishima. "The movie started." Kenma said. Tsukishima nodded but made no effort to go into the dark theatre. "You are not telling them the truth." Kenma went inside after saying that. Tsukishima sighs, the truth so easily exposed by Kenma. 

Tsukishima then sat on an empty seat, nowhere near his boyfriends and the other couple. Tsukishima watch them cuddle and act all lovey dovey, it hurt. He then decided to divert his eyes to the huge screen in front of him. Before the movie ended he made his way towards his previous seat next to Kuroo, then stare at the screen, not paying attention to the groups beside him. 

The movie ended and they all moved out of the cold theatre. "Let's go play volleyball. I rented a court." Akaashi says with a small smile. "Kenma, can we?" Hinata is bouncing up and down. "They are on their date, let's not disturb them." Kenma says as he tucks his hands into his jacket. "It's fine, the more the merrier." Kuroo says as he hooks a arm around Kenma. Tsukishima doesn't pay attention to the conversation, he just stares down at his hands as he pulls his hood up again.

Akaashi holds his hands and make their way to follow the group to the court Akaashi had rented. The walk to the court is noisy. Hinata constantly hyping the former ace. Akaashi is now holding Kuroo's hand and Kenma is walking next to him. They don't say much, they aren't friends and it is all mutual respect. Tsukishima doesn't need to say anything, Kenma can read anyone like a book. Still no words were exchanged as they made their way to the court.

They reached the court which was empty. "Let's play 3v3." Kuroo suggested and they split into groups, Tsukishima is grouped with Kenma and Hinata which he didn't mind, but he already know that they are going to lose the games they are about the play. They started the game but Tsukishima isn't even paying attention half the time. He smiles sadly whenever he sees his boyfriends celebrate, but that expression would change into a scowl. 

They would resume and of course Tsukishima, Kenma and Hinata lost, even if the scores were close, they lost. Tsukishima sat to the side to catch a breather. Kenma handed him a bottle. "You should tell them the truth of your feelings." Tsukishima looking at his boyfriends very distracted by Hinata's compliments. "I'll spare them the pain." Tsukishima drank the water and let his gaze drop to the floor. "You look kinda pale, you haven't eaten right?" Kenma kept his voice low. Tsukishima doesn't deny it. "It will only cause problems in future." Kenma said his piece and went to drag Hinata somewhere. 

The four boyfriends are the only ones in the court. Tsukishima makes no effort to walk to his boyfriends and they just stood there continuing their conversation. Tsukishima slips away and makes his way to the washroom unnoticed. Kenma stood there holding Hinata back and covering the younger's lips. "Stop running away from your problems Tsukishima." Kenma's gaze pierces him. He can't help but want to run.

"Kei, what's wrong?" Kuroo stood there at the end of the hallway with eyes filled with worry. "Nothing is wrong." Tsukishima smiles, he practiced until his fake smile is the same as his real one. "Kei, if you have any problems, you can always tell us." Kuroo has a warm smile on his face which makes Tsukishima wants to run into his arms and cry all the tears he had effectively held, cry for all the pain he had experienced. Tsukishima held back, "Yes, of course."

Tsukishima excuses himself to the washroom, but is stopped when he passes Kenma. "You should tell them. You will only hurt them if you don't." Tsukishima only nodded and went to the washroom. Tsukishima splashed water on his face to try and wash the harsh comments away. Tsukishima only left the washroom after feeling his is stable enough. He walked back to the court,5 people sitting around, like they were ready for the next game. 

"You're back, ready to play another game?" Kuroo looks at him challengingly. Tsukishima nods, not trusting his voice after his mind thought about those harsh words. They started the game, same group. There is no need to even guess who would win. They played game after game, Tsukishima's side kept losing over and over. It doesn't affect him, but he felt nauseous. "I need to rest." Tsukishima went to the side and laid down. "I think we best stop here, Kei isn't feeling well." As usual Akaashi is kind and very observant, just not observant enough to see the pain that is weighing Tsukishima down.

"Tsukishima you're no fun." Hinata mumbles but also take a seat next to Kenma snuggling even though the both of them were sweaty. Tsukishima has his arm draped over his eyes. Breathing calming down slowly. Akaashi lets his hands run through Tsukishima's hair which is slightly wet due to their games. "Want me to get you something to eat? There is a convenient store in the same building." Kuroo asks as he uses a towel to wipe away Tsukishima's sweat. "Sure..." Tsukishima whispers. 

Kuroo stands up to go downstairs to get food. Tsukishima knows he won't eat everything he is given. Kuroo came back as quickly as he went. Bags of food hanging off his huge hands that has frustrated him so many times in the games he had played against him. Tsukishima sat up, he feels dizzy but kept himself upright. Kuroo handed him a whole lot sandwiches. Tsukishima only picked up the strawberry one and started munching. The juices sweet and sour just bursting in his mouth. He holds back from enjoying too much. He didn't want to eat too much.

Still he was forced to finish at least half the sandwiches Kuroo has bought. His boyfriends smile at this but he can't exactly smile that he has eaten so much, at least his boyfriends are happy with it. They went home after a while since Tsukishima is feeling unwell. Internally Tsukishima is cursing and scolding himself for ruining the fun for his boyfriends. "Are you okay? Did you eat something bad today? Do you need the hospital?" Bokuto is freaking out all over. Akaashi calming Bokuto down as Kuroo help him walk home.

"This is all my fault." Tsukishima whispers. "Did you say something? Do you need anything, Kei?" Kuroo asks. "I'm fine. I just need to lay down." Tsukishima forces a smile. They made their way back home as quickly as possible. Kuroo brings Tsukishima to the bedroom and tucks the younger into bed, a fond smile playing on his lips. "Just rest well until dinner is ready." Kuroo places a kiss on Tsukishima's forehead before leaving the bedroom, leaving Tsukishima in the darkness of the bedroom. Tsukishima can hear the laughter and cheer in their voices through the thin walls of their shared apartment.

Tsukishima sighs before he sits upright on the bed. His hands hover over his study desk drawer which has a small razor that he had removed from a new sharpener. His fingers fiddle with the shiny object. "It has been so long since I've touched this." Tsukishima mutters, feeling the cool metal on his skin. "Tsukishima, do you need water?" Akaashi walks in and sees the whole scene, the smile originally on his face became a frown. "What's that in your hands?" Akaashi walks closer. Tsukishima panics and shoves it into his jacket pocket. "It's nothing. I was just sharpening my pencils, I have to finish my assignment." Tsukishima made his way to his table and started to pick up his pencils.

Akaashi stood there for very long before he left. Tsukishima quickly took out the blade and stuffed it into his drawer. Kuroo and Bokuto rushed into the room to see Tsukishima silently sketching on a piece of paper. “Keiji, he is just drawing.” Kuroo says as he walks closer to Tsukishima. He looked at the bed and on the table, nothing. Keiji looks sad and Tsukishima blames himself. He just doesn’t want anyone else to know what he does. It is tough enough for his boyfriend having to hear insults about him whenever they go out together and now this problem. It isn’t exactly a problem, not in Tsukishima’s eyes, it isn’t. “Kei, you’re not well, you shouldn’t be drawing. Lie down and sleep.” Kuroo easily pulls Tsukishima out of the chair with his muscular arms and plops Tsukishima down on the bed.

They were gentle with him, very gentle like he would break. He hates it, but also likes it at the same time. That’s why the jealousy. They all know how to treat each other but they don’t know how to treat him the way he wants. He isn’t complaining, he really isn’t. It’s just maybe he prefers a little bit of pain. He needs to pain to bring some relieve from the harsh words he would receive on a daily basis. “Urm, I need water.” Tsukishima says. “Alright! It’s coming.” Bokuto rushes off. Kuroo goes get a towel. Akaashi walked to his bed and sat next to him. “Please dont hurt yourself baby. You will hurt me too.” Akaashi has a sad smile on his face as he places a kiss on Tsukishima’s forehead. Tsukishima could melt, but he feels bad instantly. Akaashi felt sad because he is hurting himself. “How stupid can you be Tsukishima? Making others hurt like this? Do you enjoy seeing them hurt?” Tsukishima mumbles under his breath, scolding himself for those foolish actions.

Months pass, the seasons change. They went on many dates since the last and Tsukishima constantly received bad remarks about his look. He hasn’t been clean since that day. Today is no different. Tsukishima sat in his room on a towel that has been stained red from the many times he cut himself with his blade. He glides the sharp end of the metal piece against his skin, it took a while but red streaks started forming, flowing into the small crevices on his skin. Line after like, crossed or just next to each other. The blood flowed as the deed is carried out. Each line represented a word that he had heard during his day. Ugly. Too tall. Nerd. Tree branch. Die. Kill yourself. Each word that had a different meaning to him. He did want to kill himself, thought about it too many times, but he cant. Every single time he tries to, he gets reminded of his boyfriends. He knows they will be extremely upset.

As Tsukishima gets more agitated, each cut seem to be more careless and deeper as he randomly slashes his skin. His boyfriends are out at work, while he is home alone since his classes ended. Crying on your own, alone, in a dark room is the worst. His clothes and the towel are dyed red with his blood. He thought his boyfriends won’t be home too early so he made his way downstairs to grab a glass of water. The blood on his arm is staining the long sleeves he is wearing, some even dripped down his arm onto the floor. “Tsukki! I’m back!” Bokuto shouts from the door. “Shit.” Tsukishima tries to get back to his room without getting caught. “Kei? What are you bleeding?” Bokuto asks as he rushes over, briefcase forgotten at the door. Bokuto grabs his arm and moves the sleeves away. “Kei! What did you do to your arm?” Bokuto look at him with teary eyes.

Bokuto held onto Tsukishima’s hands that was the only part of his arm that is not cut and grabbed his phone from his back pocket. He called Kuroo before calling Akaashi about what Tsukishima had done. “There are so many cuts.” Bokuto said as he held Tsukishima’s arm gently, opposite of his usually rather rough movements. “Glad that you’re not blind.” Tsukishima pushes his spectacles up with his other hand that isn’t being held onto. “Now is not the time to be sassy. You could die!” Bokuto hugged Tsukishima tightly, making the younger wince slightly but still Tsukishima wrapped his arms around Bokuto. Bokuto grabbed the first aid kit from the kitchen and sat Tsukishima down on the couch in the living room. Bokuto cleaned the cuts and wrap them all up gently. “Please don’t hurt yourself. It hurts us seeing you this way.” Bokuto whispers but Tsukishima doesn’t say anything as he lets Bokuto patch him up.

The door slammed open as Bokuto cleaned up the cuts and wrapped it up. “Oh my god! Kei! You scared me!” Kuroo wraps his arm around Tsukishima tightly. “I’m fine.” Tsukishima sighs as he pats Kuroo’s messy hair that can’t be tamed. Akaashi stood there looking at Tsukishima with a very sad expression. “We don’t want to hurt you, we don’t want you hurt.” Akaashi said as he took Tsukishima’s hands into his own. “We all love you. You are our baby. The youngest of the four of us. You need our protecting.” Kuroo places a kiss on Tsukishima’s cheeks. “Yea, we love you so much, we could die.” Bokuto smiles sadly as he closes the first aid kit and puts it away on the small coffee table. “But those people don’t think so.” Tsukishima mumbles. “Don’t care about them. We love you so much. We are so sorry that sometimes we leave you out of things. You seem to be busy with school and we want you to graduate properly.” Akaashi places a kiss on Tsukishima’s forehead.

Tsukishima started thinking, maybe getting loved like this isn’t too bad. Kuroo carries Tsukishima and they all head to their bedroom, one they shared when Tsukishima isn’t working on a assignment. They cuddled even though the 3 boys who just gotten home haven’t changed. Their boyfriend here is much more important. They became a cuddle pile with lots of kisses and hugs.

*muah*


End file.
